Wednesday, January 31, 2007

N.A.C.A.P. -- Not as Cool as Prince
Here is a short list of people I have encountered over the last few weeks who, while are bold in execution, are simply Not As Cool As Prince.

Take this guy for instance; sure, he looks like the life of the party – he’s got the “Hip to be Square” glasses on, he’s always cracking jokes, and he’s never looked thinner. But even this prankster skeleton can’t out suave the Purple One. Think about it, if skeleton dude over here did try to commandeer control of the microphone at tonight’s show, you would be so distracted by the clickety-clack of his metatarsals that you wouldn’t even be able to focus on hits like “1999” or “Little Red Corvette”. Good try, Mr. Bones, but I’m afraid you’re Not As Cool As Prince.

Whoa, now. I know what you’re thinking: “for premise of outfit alone, this guy MIGHT be As Cool As Prince.” But how quickly you turn, fickle fan, how quickly indeed. Let’s look at reasons why this guy can’t quite cut the mustard.
1. – Starter money. It’s sticking out of his pocket and he hasn’t even began performing as “Metal Statue Santa”. Prince would never try to fake out his public with money he hadn’t earned honestly, sure, he’ll charge $100 - $400 for tonight’s show (plus service charge), but at least he’s upfront about it. Who knows how much ‘Ol Rip-Me-Off-Saint-Nicholas here is going to take you for.
2. – The Renaissance Festival boots. Prince wouldn’t do you like that. He would never try to hang on to a piece of clothing that doesn’t match his new outfit, name, or persona’s over-all theme. But Mr. Metal Clause here has unapologetically clung to the mismatched item.
3. – Lastly, does he really need the Target lamp? Since you weren’t there, let me assure you that there was plenty of light already being cast his way from the glow of the nearby Orange Julius stand. Besides, Prince would simply command the sun to rise.

Damn. This is probably the only man alive who’s able to give Prince a run for his money. Here’s a little background on this badass: He showed up unannounced at Churchill’s Pub the night of the Agent Orange show. He came armed with a blowtorch, sunglasses, a tiger tee-shirt, and a bunch of long, fragile, pieces of glass that resembled the Doozers’ scaffoldings from Fraggle Rock. Not only did this guy have the skills to pay the bills, but he use to work for Disney World but quit out of principle because “they wouldn’t let me blow scorpion pipes.” Hell ya.

Amazing. In fact, here’s a picture of the scorpion pipe in question:
And yet still, I have to say that while I was intrigued by his story, and hypnotized by his fiery blowtorch; his life's tale couldn't have held my interest with musical narrative like Prince's did in Purple Rain. So Scorpion Dude, I'm afraid that you too are Not As Cool As Prince.

Last night I dreamt that Prince and I ran into each other at a pool party. Not a swanky Los Angeles-style, champagne hot tub-type, but more of a BBQ and water wings type. We chatted about his current projects and he apologized for the album 3121. When I woke up I'm pretty sure that little blue cartoon birds were singing above me. Why all this rehashing of my subconscious babble? Because, it's now nine hours to Prince.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


The Countdown to His Purpleness
For me, tomorrow is the day all little girls wait for: MY FIRST PRINCE CONCERT.

Yeah yeah yeah, sure, we all looked forward fervently to other things as well (first kiss, graduating from high school, college, or a comparable animal husbandry program), but none actually matches the First of all Firsts -- An actual, physical viewing of the little purple devil himself. How tall is he? In what tributary-like flow will his sweat patterns follow? Could he possibly arouse from the stage, if say, my tickets are in the far rear of the theatre, just behind an obnoxiously large, yet necessary, support beam? The answers to these, and other, cult questions will be appeased at 8 p.m. tomorrow night. Can you handle it?

Friday, January 05, 2007

'82 Tonys--Dreamgirls

I mean, DAMN

Finding your DreamGirl, is sometimes best done in a local gay club. A fact proven by tomorrow night's (Saturday, Jan 6th) guest appearance of Divalicious Jennifer Holiday showing up at the Coliseum (2520 S Miami Rd., Fort Lauderdale).
For anyone not in the know, Holiday pioneered the character of Effie White on Broadway in the early 80's. And while I'm not hating on Hudson's portrayal of the outcast Dreamer in the new film version (WHHAAAT? The 'Girl's got pipes, what more do you want, people?!), it is a role that will ALWAYS belong to Jennifer Holiday. Nobody can scream, sob, and howl a solo like she can. And now? Well, I guess the dream's over, because the Coliseum doesn't even count as off-off-off-off Broadway.
Anyone who can, should really go view this spectacle, in fact here's the flyer:check it!

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