Wednesday, January 31, 2007

N.A.C.A.P. -- Not as Cool as Prince
Here is a short list of people I have encountered over the last few weeks who, while are bold in execution, are simply Not As Cool As Prince.

Take this guy for instance; sure, he looks like the life of the party – he’s got the “Hip to be Square” glasses on, he’s always cracking jokes, and he’s never looked thinner. But even this prankster skeleton can’t out suave the Purple One. Think about it, if skeleton dude over here did try to commandeer control of the microphone at tonight’s show, you would be so distracted by the clickety-clack of his metatarsals that you wouldn’t even be able to focus on hits like “1999” or “Little Red Corvette”. Good try, Mr. Bones, but I’m afraid you’re Not As Cool As Prince.

Whoa, now. I know what you’re thinking: “for premise of outfit alone, this guy MIGHT be As Cool As Prince.” But how quickly you turn, fickle fan, how quickly indeed. Let’s look at reasons why this guy can’t quite cut the mustard.
1. – Starter money. It’s sticking out of his pocket and he hasn’t even began performing as “Metal Statue Santa”. Prince would never try to fake out his public with money he hadn’t earned honestly, sure, he’ll charge $100 - $400 for tonight’s show (plus service charge), but at least he’s upfront about it. Who knows how much ‘Ol Rip-Me-Off-Saint-Nicholas here is going to take you for.
2. – The Renaissance Festival boots. Prince wouldn’t do you like that. He would never try to hang on to a piece of clothing that doesn’t match his new outfit, name, or persona’s over-all theme. But Mr. Metal Clause here has unapologetically clung to the mismatched item.
3. – Lastly, does he really need the Target lamp? Since you weren’t there, let me assure you that there was plenty of light already being cast his way from the glow of the nearby Orange Julius stand. Besides, Prince would simply command the sun to rise.

Damn. This is probably the only man alive who’s able to give Prince a run for his money. Here’s a little background on this badass: He showed up unannounced at Churchill’s Pub the night of the Agent Orange show. He came armed with a blowtorch, sunglasses, a tiger tee-shirt, and a bunch of long, fragile, pieces of glass that resembled the Doozers’ scaffoldings from Fraggle Rock. Not only did this guy have the skills to pay the bills, but he use to work for Disney World but quit out of principle because “they wouldn’t let me blow scorpion pipes.” Hell ya.

Amazing. In fact, here’s a picture of the scorpion pipe in question:
And yet still, I have to say that while I was intrigued by his story, and hypnotized by his fiery blowtorch; his life's tale couldn't have held my interest with musical narrative like Prince's did in Purple Rain. So Scorpion Dude, I'm afraid that you too are Not As Cool As Prince.

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