Thursday, November 30, 2006

A Guide to what is and what isn't "Art".

During last Saturday night’s annual Art Scavenger Hunt, over 100 kids, adults, and 20-somethings living in a state of perpetual adolescence scampered up trees and rustled through bushes to find free pieces of art. The works were hidden by Fort Liquordale’s local painters, sculptors, graphic artists, and assorted dirty hippies. The yearly event is always entertaining, and yes, at times even heartwarming (I overheard a little kid scream “Mom!!! I found ART!!!” and it actually made my womb quiver).

Of course, when searching for unconventional art it is good to keep in mind that NOT EVERYTHING CLASSIFIES AS “ART”. I cannot stress this enough. Discovering "Not Art" on your own can be uncomfortable and sticky, so today I perform a much needed public service by separating “Art” from “Not Art”.

ART: This carved and painted phallus was found in a shrub and falls into the category of Anatomical Art. Since I feel uncomfortable leaving this piece on my mantle as-is, I fully intend to a glue a yarn toupee, googly eyes, and a tiny monocle on the little gentleman to make him more "house friendly".

Not Art: Also anatomical in nature and found in a nearby bush with the aid of a flashlight, these dentures could be easily confused as art. Warning: They Are NOT. Nobody sculpted these with the idea that some hipster in Converse would put find them and place them lovingly next to their collection of Bukowski novels. More likely they fell out of a crackhead's mouth durring a scuffle. NO TOUCH!

ART: These dimebags of art are the handywork of artists Jacqi Brown and Aholsniffsglue. Brown is one of the off-beat minds behind Little Haiti's Faktura Gallery. The warehouse studio recently featured a whole exhibit of hand painted toilet seats; for Basal, they are having a return of their popular "Pimp my Kart" exhibit. The dimebags catch you off guard. They are dropped casually in bathrooms and bushes so that, at first, you feel wrong picking them up. After closer inspection, the contents reveal itty bitty teeny weeny pictures and Faktura's website. (Nice marketing.)

Not Art: These where found in a patted down pile of earth surrounded by trees (a region known as a "Homeless Bedroom") -- a sure sign that they are Not Art. More likely, they are breakfast, lunch, and dinner for one of our local transients. NO TOUCH!

Art:Due to the difficulty of location, I'm assuming this is Art. I found this one on the roof of a building. I have no idea what it is or what the artist was trying to convey, but I think it's a pastel koala king strangling the neck of a sculpture from Easter Island. And apparently, "Crack's Back!"

Not Art: Also placed in a difficult location, however I actually watched a kid climb on another kid's back to try and cut down this mysterious box -- and then it leaked on him. It turned out that this box was Not Art; in fact, it was strong, insect pharamones placed near the heavy foliage area to reduce the amount of mosquitos, bees and other assorted winged nuisances.

I hope we have all learned a valuable lesson.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


In Florida, we don’t have “traditional winter”. We do, however, have a snowbird homeless community that switches to peppermint schnapps so that everyone realizes it’s the holidays. For those who don’t really get close enough to the derelict to smell their wafting breath, Fort Lauderdale provides an alternative way to deduce Saint Nick’s imminent arrival: Christmas on Las Olas! Last night’s festival promised to present “Fake snow! Attractions! Santa!”. Well, they were all there, and so was I.

First things first…
1.) The Fake Snow. It was pretty much limited to this mound of jagged ice and slush that you see here. It was a pile maybe 6 foot by 6 foot, and approximately 4 feet tall. Whoa! Look out kids! It’s an avalanche! Mothers were overheard telling there children that yes, this is exactly how snow is up North. (Yes kids! Snow naturally tends to form in island-like piles in the middle of busy shopping districts, then, wealthy women in cardigans watch as their children poke it like a wild animal at the fair.)

2.) The Gayest Nativity Ever. Sunshine Cathedral, Fort Lauderdale's fiercest church for gays and lesbians, had a real crowd-pleaser of a living nativity scene. (My personal favorite is the flamboyant angel in back. Can't you almost hear him praying: "Dear baby Jesus, please let our masculine virgin Mary discover the benefits of microdermabrasion.")

3.) Santa: still living up to the stereotypes. Sorry about the tiny picture, I was playing "digital sniper" from across the "enchanted parking lot". Whenever "Mrs. Claus" would scoot one of those kids off of Santa's lap she would hand him his giant "Cup O' Mirth" before hustling the parents for extra "magical prints". Thanks for keeping it real, Santa.

Friday, November 17, 2006

You know how on some magical days, you get home from work, fix a drink, knock it back and say "Oh, yeah! THAT'S why people drink!" Well, yesterday's interview with GWAR was the journalistic equivalent to that realization. I chatted with Dave Brocki AKA Oderus Urungus (GWAR'S only original member since 1985) about combat, sodomy, and yes, shitting on your cell phone. Feast mortals.

New Times: Out of curiosity, what kind of hotel does GWAR stay in while on tour?
Oderus: We don’t. We fly our bat-shaped helicopter back to Antarctica after every show to our top-secret GWAR fortress at the bottom of the planet … which is really the top of the planet, but you humans have your maps wrong.
Right. Do you have cable?
No, we actually have the “All-Eye.” All history, all humanity and all cable stations playing backwards and forwards…but we mostly watch midget wrestling.
Who have you sodomized lately?
Let’s see: the pope and Satan and Jesus, oh, and Hitler. We are equal opportunity sodomizers.
Could you kill something that isn’t human? Like, could you kill Chemistry?
Much like a War on Terror: it’s impossible – though I do hate Chemistry and math. I would actually like to try and kill Calculus.
How much blood, exactly, will have to be shed to wake the Giant Maggot?
Eleventy billion gallons, I think it is. Basically, however many people show up at a show, we just bleed it all and hope it’s enough to wake the maggot. That way, I can plunge a giant sword into his head. Although, it makes for a rather dull show ending -- the entire audience is dead – but hey, we’re not in it for the applause.
It’s almost the holidays: have you ever thought of cutting a Christmas or Chanukah album?
Yes we did think about it, but just as easily we forgot about it, I think it was Easter time [so we lost interest], but we might do a Groundhog Day album.
That’s nice, as a species they really don’t get enough street cred.
He’s rather a buffoonish animal, if you believe all of the television shows, but I believe they are truly savage and noble creatures.
I don’t mean to upset you, but you are a Scumdog of the Universe, yet you dropped your cellphone in the toilet …
It’s worse than that. I dropped the cellphone into the toilet before I sat down, then I proceeded to take a big shit on it.
Yeah. That’s a very “mortal” error – are you becoming more human?
Uh, the more I hang out with the human race, the more of their foibles seep into me out of osmosis. But that’s why I must kill them: I’m kinda like “Daddy” trying to erase a big mistake.
How do those human mistakes respond when you walk around in public?
I cause terror and confusion. So I prefer to dress up as [various] human beings when I go and check it all out, or you know, get a mocha.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Don't get too close to my prepubescent fantasy!
This weekend is for all of the ex-band geeks, drama dorks, D&D Grand Wizards, and Vulcans lookin' for a party; 'cause tonight is the first evening of the radically wild Florida Supercon. The 'Con is a festival rallying for the rights of the downtrodden, demanding equality for those who love excessive costuming, and likely, creating a venue for social outcasts to come together and tongue kiss without their parents knowing. Check it out: In that respect, I will be auctioning myself off at the Anime Dating Game to whichever elf, Vulcan, or hobbit can produce the smoothest pick up lines...I'll let you know how it goes.

Not to be overshadowed, the Broward County Convention Center is hosting a YuGiOh competition on Saturday and Sunday. I have no idea what that is but the website gives this tantalizingly itinerary just boiling over with intrigue!
9:00 AM Doors open and registration begins for Open Dueling
12:30 PM Approximate time registration will begin for all other YuGiOh events
6:00 PM Registration closes for all events
7:00 PM Approximate time hall closes for the evening
9:00 AM Doors open and registration continues for all YuGiOh events
11:00 AM Player seating posted for the Sunday Mega Flight
4:00 PM Registration closes for all events
6:00 PM Approximate time hall closes for the evening

It also makes the disclaimer that this party is B.Y.O.D. (Bring your own dice!) and that those playing tend to stay so "active in gaming" that they probably will not "break for lunch." -- Whoa. So, uh, bring a Snickers? (Creepy!)

But I, your valiant guide of all things irrelevant, vow to attend these events and shine a light on their murky ambiguity -- in order to expose (to you, loyal reader), all of the creepy, sticky going-on that are dueling beneath.

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